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Here you can Sed posuere consectetur est at lobortis. Donec ullamcorper nulla non metus auctor fringilla. Maecenas sed diam eget risus varius blandit sit amet non magna. Donec id elit non mi porta gravida at eget metus. Praesent commodo cursus magna, vel scelerisque nisl consectetur et.

            
              <script src="https://cdn.freecodecamp.org/testable-projects-fcc/v1/bundle.js"></script>
<div id="app"></div>
            
          
!
            
              @import url('https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Roboto:100,100i,300,300i,400,400i,500,500i,700,700i,900,900i');

html, body {
  background-color: #222326;
  color: #fff;
  font-family: 'Roboto', sans-serif;
  font-size: 24px;
  height: 100%;
  margin: 0;
  width: 100%;
}

#app {
  align-items: center;
  display: flex;
  height: 100%;
  justify-content: center;
  width: 100%;
}

.tweet-btn:hover, .new-btn:hover {
  background-color: #eeb179 !important;
  cursor: pointer
}

.fadeIn {
  animation: fadeIn 2s;
}

@keyframes fadeIn {
  from { opacity: 0; }
  to   { opacity: 1; }
}
            
          
!
            
              // csv courtesy of kyledhebert: https://raw.githubusercontent.com/kyledhebert/mitch-hedberg-rest/master/src/main/resources/mitch_jokes.csv
const hedberg = [{
    author: "Mitch Hedberg",
    content: "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
  },{
    author: "M. Hedberg",
    content: "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read."
  },{
    author: "Mitch H.",
    content: "My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really going on down there? Who is the real hero? "
  },{
    author: "Mr. Hedberg",
    content: "I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an \"Escalator Temporarily Out of Order\" sign. Only an \"Escalator Temporarily Stairs\" Sorry for the Convenience.\" "
  },{
    author: "The Mitch Hedberg",
    content: "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said \"No, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.\" "
  }//,{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I had one anchovy. That's why I didn't have two anchovies. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. I think that's a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought \"Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog.\" I would never say \"Here comes that frog\" in a horrifying manner. It's always, like, optimistic. Like, \"Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses\" or two dumpsters."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that\" day. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "One time a guy handed me a picture, he said \"Here's a picture of me when I was younger.\" Every picture of you is when you were younger. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I order the club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It's beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've traveled to, but first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said \"Fuck that, I'll just make a copy.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it's busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say \"Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two.\" And if no one answers, they'll say their name again. \"Dufrane, party of two.\" But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. \"Bush, party of three.\" Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry - that's a double whammy. We need help. \"Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr Pepper. But it's the bullshit replica because dude didn't even get his degree! "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Dr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he's a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn't take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That fucker wasted lots of time at school. 'Cause I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "This one commercial said \"Forget everything you know about slip covers,\" so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didn't know what the fuck they were. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "This is what my friend said to me, he said \"I think the weather's trippy.\" And I said \"No, man. It's not the weather that's trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.\" Then I thought, \"Man, I should have just said\" 'Yeah.'\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "My apartment is infested with koala bars. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, \"Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus\" or a really cool opotamus?"
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said, \"Fuck it, cut 'em up.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like refried beans. That's why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they're just as good and weren't wasting time."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got a king size bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I can't tell you what hotel I'm saying at, but there are two trees involved."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I bought myself a parrot, the parrot talked, but it did not say \"I'm hungry\"\" so it died."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "If you're watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don't follow it. It never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like Kit Kats\" unless I'm with four or more people."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I was going to get a candy bar, the button I was supposed to push was HH. So I went to the side, I found the H button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out, man, because they had an HH button. For christ's sakes, you need to let me know. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said, \"Fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I think Big Foot is blurry, that's the problem. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I can read minds. But it's pointless because I'm illiterate."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I haven't slept for 10 days\" because that would be too long."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I opened up a yogurt, it said \"Please try again\" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy\" all day. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit! "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I saw on HBO they were advertising this boxing match, it said \"It's a fight to the finish\"\" that's a good place to end."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I bought a house. It's a two bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "This jacket is dry clean only\" which means it's dirty."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It's like, \"Dude, you have to wait.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. \"Come on, four billion. Fuck. Seven. Not even close.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You know when it comes to racism, people say \"I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green.\" Oh, hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like when they say that a movie was \"inspired by a true story\" because that's weird. It means the movie is not true, it was just inspired by a true story. \"Hey Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her children into the river and they all drown?\" \"Yes I did. And that inspired me to write a movie about a gorilla.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? McDonald's commercials end like this: \"prices and participation may vary.\" I want to open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonald's owner. I'll say \"Cheeseburgers? Nope\" we got spaghetti!\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I never had a piggy bank, but one time I had some bacon and it tasted an awful lot like change. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. \"Mitch's pizzeria. This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicting to gambling\" I'm addicting to sitting in a semicircle."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man. I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a donut. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition. But, c'mon man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means \"hold on\" and yellow means \"go ahead.\" And red means \"where the fuck did you get that banana?\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I tried to walk into Target\" but I missed. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "People say \"Mitch, why'd you get into comedy? Were you funny?\" \"No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable\" it's just they taste shitty."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is fuckin' clean."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I put Carmex on a cold sore. Because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got a jump rope. That thing's just a rope, man. You gotta make the jump thing happen."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wish all my clothes were made out of blankets. That way, if I fall asleep with my clothes on, fuckin' A, I'm tucked in. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "There's many billboards, they have the lotto jackpot, it says \"Estimated lotto jackpot $55 million.\" See, I didn't know that shit was estimated. That would suck if you won and they go \"Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I'm sick of Soup of the Day! It's time we make a decision. I want to know what the fuck soup from now on is. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Anybody here watch <i>ESPN Classic</i>? I saw a baseball game on there. The guy hit a foul ball. Fuckin' classic, man. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Sometimes when you're too drunk on stage, people get mad, they say \"Can I get my money back?\" That would be funny if people could get their money back for other shit when I was really drunk. Like, \"I saw Mitch Hedberg. He was drunk\" and I want to return this saw.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I collect stamps. The easiest way to collect stamps\" is to not mail shit."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wish they made fajita cologne\" because that shit smells good."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like when they say shampoo is volumizing\" because my hair is fuckin' quiet. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got New Balance shoes on, but they're old\" so I might start falling."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I walked by a dry cleaner at 3am, the sign said \"Sorry we're closed.\" You don't have to be sorry; it's 3am and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say \"Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You know there's a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Hey, you know what keeps me from acting? Fuckin'\" auditions."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like the Fed Ex driver because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I'm selling T-shirts after the show. They don't have my name on 'em, they're just Hanes 3-packs."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I don't know how to fix a car. If my car breaks down and the gas tank does not say \"E\", I'm fucked\" But if the gas tank says \"E\" I get all cocky. \"I got this one, don't worry about it.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "One time I was supposed to be on David Letterman, and it was the same time that Madonna was on, and Madonna went long, so I got bumped. But I got to eat cantaloupe backstage so it was still cool. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I did a radio interview. The DJs first question was \"Who are you?\" I had to think, \"Is this guy really deep or did I drive to the wrong station?\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Like, I'm at the cigar store, the man behind the counter says \"What kind of cigars do you like?\" \"Uhh\" Itsaboys.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "One time I went to a craft fair, and I see a jar of jellybeans, it said \"Guess how many jellybeans are in the jar, and you win a prize.\" Aw, come on, man. Let me just have some. I'll tell you what, you guess how many I want, if you said \"a handful\" you are right. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Last time I called \"shotgun,\" we had rented a limo\" so I fucked up."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer\" when we used to fire up the barbecue\" and throw down some Fritos."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I perform at the colleges and I always buy the shirt from the college because they're quality shirts and they're colorful. But people get the wrong idea, you know? I walk around with a Washington University shirt on and someone goes \"Hey, Washington U, did you go there?\" \"Yeah\" it was a Wednesday.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I put fruit on top of my waffles\" because I want something to brush off."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I type 101 words a minute, but it's in my own language."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I would imagine if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "In Venice, Italy, they don't have streets, they have canals. So in Venice, Italy, we have to keep the kids off the canals. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "If I was a headless horseman's horse, I would fuck with that dude. \"Yeah, we're going that way. We're not headed toward the hay.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wear a necklace now\" because I like to know when I'm upside down."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "If you're a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. Literally. She was born with her hands attached to her shoulders. And that was sad. But then they said \"Lola does not know the meaning of the word \"can't.\" And that to me was actually kind of worse, in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got a door deal here, I'm working for 50% of the door and then tomorrow I'm working for 50% of the door and then on Sunday\" I'm gonna have a door. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wear glasses. I stopped wearing 'em\" because when you wear glasses and you talk to someone, you always think they're outside of a window. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "That would suck if a drink was ice cold\" because then it would be impossible to drink. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I read last year that MTV's <i>Real World</i> got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, man\" such an even number. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef!"
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when people try to hand me out a flyer, it's kind of like they're saying \"Here, YOU throw this away.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us\" or they thought we were OK."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I was at a casino, I was standing by the door, and the security guard came over and he said \"You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit,\" as if though there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say \"All right you're a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.\" They want me to do things that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy. That's not fair. It's as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said \"All right you're a cook\" can you farm?\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I play golf. I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell \"Fore!\" but I was too busying mumbling \"There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. \"Snap, Crackle, Mitch and Pop.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I had a roommate, his name was Eddie, and Eddie was a little slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter, I had a problem, I said \"Ed, how do you abbreviate 'Arkansas'?\" He said, \"I don't know. Just start spelling it and quit.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I'll drive for, like, ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the EMERGENCY BRAKE. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Oh, come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say \"You're home!\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "When we were on acid, we would go into the woods because when you're in the woods trippin', there's a less likely chance you'll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'm going to replace it before they check me off and charge me. But they made that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store, I say, \"Do you have Coke\" in a glass harmonica?\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's going."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "It's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, \"All right, well put some lettuce on it,\" which they did. They said it'd be a $1.75. I said \"It's for a duck.\" They said \"All right, then it's free.\" See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway. Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. \"Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck!\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I have a few cavities. I don't like to call 'em cavities. I like to call 'em \"places to put stuff.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision because I didn't know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "The thing that's depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as a wall. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You know, you can't please all the people all the time. And last night all those people were at my show."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You know when you go to concerts, and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd, stage diving? People think that's dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from a pool. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done\" who knows? "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I think we should only get three honks a month on the car horn. Because people honk the car horn too much. Three honks, that's the limit. And then somebody cuts you off, you press your horn, nothing happens, you're like \"Shit, I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "\" I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call my friend Brian, I say \"Hey Brian, do you know anybody who has AIDS? No? Cool. because you know me.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I want to climb a mountain, not so I can get to the top, because I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fuckin' fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around. \"Hey, you going to the top?\" \"Soon.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I never joined the Army because \"at ease\" was never that easy to me. Seemed rather \"uptight and still.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal. Then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the <i>instant</i> oatmeal. I can get the regular oatmeal and feel productive. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I was in a park and I saw a kid flying a kite and he was so excited that his kite was in the sky. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wrote a letter to my dad. I was gonna write \"I really enjoyed being here\" but I accidentally wrote \"rarely\" instead of \"really\". But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out. So I wrote, \"I rarely\" drive steamboats, dad.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I'm in my hotel room, my friend comes over, he says, \"Can I use the phone?\" I said, \"Certainly,\" he says \"Do I have to dial 9?\" \"Yeah, especially if it's in the number.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says \"Say thanks.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes\" all exciting at first, but then by the end, you're fucking sick of 'em. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like to drink red wine, this girl says \"Doesn't red wine give you a headache?\" \"Yeah, eventually. But the first and the middle part are amazing.\" I'm not gonna stop doing something because of what happens at the end. \"Mitch, do you want an apple?\" \"No, eventually it'll be a core.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "The Kit Kat candy bar has the name \"Kit Kat\" imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. I go down to the factory, \"You owe me some letters!\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast, and I don't think I would, because I figure you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. \"Is that all you got around here? Then you need to direct me to a chair, lunch dinner.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I saw a band in LA and the band was having an off night and some people starting throwing tomatoes at the band. I thought \"Who would throw a tomato at a band?\" That's bad. But then I thought \"Who would bring a tomato to a show?\" That's even worse. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Some companies like to spell out words, so you call 'em up and remember their name. But they use too many letters because they can't edit it. \"Give us a call at 1 800 I LOVE BRAND NEW CARPET.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You should never tell people they have a nice dimple\" because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "A fly was very close to being called a \"land\" because that's what it does half the time."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "When you have a CD in a store, you have to do in-store appearances. If nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "That would be cool if you lived with a monster\" you would never get hiccups!"
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I was downtown in some town and they had store, store, store, and then there was an open area, then they had more stores. It said in the open area \"Coming soon: The Gap\" I'm like \"Fuck, man. It's coming soon and it's already here.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "My hotel is haunted. I saw a sheet lying on the floor\" must have been a ghost that had passed out."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I gotta idea for sweat shops\" air conditioning! Problem solved."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "If you have dentures, do not use artificial sweeteners because you will get a fake cavity."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I had a piece of Carefree sugarless gum\" and I was still worried."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I walked by a record store, the sign out front said they specialize in hard to find records and tapes\" nothing was alphabetized!"
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "As a kid, I used to jump on beds. But as an adult, I do not sleep on trampolines."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I was at a restaurant, I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. Because she said, \"How would you like your eggs?\" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said, \"Incubated! And then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked, and then cut up, and then put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! It's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument. Because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were like yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, \"Have you ever tried sugar\" or PCP?\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like \"Rigor Mortis\" or \"Mortuary,\" or \"Obituary\". We weren't that intense. We just went with \"Injured\". Later on we changed it to \"Acapella\"\" as we were walking out of the pawn shop. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I used to buy a lot of M&amp;Ms; they're a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn't look at you like you're selfish."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. That way, if we are photographed, we are easy to identify."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!"
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once so I can make a cart."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I want to have a show called \"Where Are They Now\" but it's about people who are really easy to find. \"Jay Leno, where are they now? Still in Burbank.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I asked directions to the store, this guy said, \"Well that's just a hop, skip and a jump away.\" \" \"Well that's not how I'm getting there\" You got directions for those who are walking?\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "That would be cool if SpiderMan shot hammocks instead of nets. \"Hey, you're not a criminal, but you do need to relax.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made cinnamon roll incense. Because I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick\" and then have my roommates wake up with false hopes. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use\" like an extreme longing for cake. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I think Visine was only invented for pot heads. Who else would buy Visine? \"Say man, I don't want people to know I have been swimming.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to somebody you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. \"Look what I got motherfucka!\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I can't floss my teeth, man. I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say \"Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking.\" Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to START flossing."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "When I was on acid, I would see things, like beams of light. And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I was at a bar, I was minding my own business, no one was talking to me, because I had just did a show. This guy bumped into me which is cool, but he didn't apologize, he said \"Move\", and I thought that was rude so I said \"Go to hell\", and then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a pair of sunglasses, his hair was in a ponytail, and he was wearing a hat. He said \"Hey, you got a lot of nerve.\" I said \"Hey, you got a lot of\" cranium accessories. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "When I'm off stage, I don't talk very much, I'm pretty quiet, right? And I hang around people who talk non-stop. All they do is talk, talk, talk. I can't get a word in edgewise. And when I do, I usually say something like, \"Hey, man, you want some taffy?\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "A lot of bars have black lights. And when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool. Except for me\" because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "If I had nine of my fingers missing\" I wouldn't type any slower."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see, like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys, \"Man, just be yourself!\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "My friend came up to me and he said \"Hey, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes.\" It was like, \"Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you gotta put a pause in there.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say \"What?\" So I'll say it again, but once again, he doesn't hear me, so he says \"What?!\" But really, it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling \"That tree is far away!\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, \"I hear music\"\" as though there's any other way you can take it in. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I'm a heroine addict\" I need to have sex with women who saved someone's life."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "One time I had a Jack and Coke, it had a lime in it, and I saw that the lime was floating. That's good news, man. The next time I'm in a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "This product that was on TV, it said you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments\" and one complicated payment. We're not gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be hard. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking on the sidewalk with him, and he fell\" that would be completely unacceptable."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "My manager takes 10% from me. Sometimes I work for free drinks. I bring him home a Jack and Coke. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I've seen a human pyramid before\" it was very unnecessary."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "A snake bite emergency repair kit is a body bag."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I have a cheese shredder at home. That's a positive name for it: cheese shredder. They don't call it by its negative name because nobody would buy it\" sponge ruiner."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half way. So it's like she's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, \"I'm gonna go shave\" too.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen, but he could not read it. He thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Two-in-one is a bullshit term because one is not big enough to hold two. That's why two was created."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Snake eyes. It's a gambling term. Or it's an animal term, too."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I don't own a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I wish I could play Little League now\" I'd kick some fuckin' ass."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and then they would travel down to your stomach, then when they get there, the carrot would say, \"It's cool, he's with me.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name is Lyn too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then, I fuck up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say \"nn\" as long. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "My roommate said, he goes, \"I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?\" It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like vending machines\" because snacks are better when they fall. If I go buy a candy bar in a store, often times I will drop it, so it reaches it's maximum flavor potential."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I use the word \"totally\" way too much. I need to change it to something that's different, but means the same thing. \"Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?\" \"All encompassingly.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You know how they call corn on the cob \"corn on the cob,\" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that \"corn.\" They should call every other version \"corn <i>off</i> the cob.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "People teach their dogs to sit. It's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life. A dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "People ask me for my autograph after the show. I'm not famous, I think they're fucking with me. They're trying to make me late for something."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I don't own a cellphone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know all the time. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Xylophone is spelled with an \"X\". That's wrong. Xylophone \"Zzz\" \"X?\". I don't fuckin' see it. It should be a \"Z\" up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a \"Z\". And if someone says \"Hey, that's wrong,\" say \"No it ain't.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed and wondered where my brother was."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got a business card\" because I want to win some lunches."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I would take one in and leave it."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, \"Do you want me to put them in a bag?\" I said, \"Oh no, man, I juggle, but I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever in here buying nine apples, bag 'em up.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I met the girl who works at the Double Tree front desk. She gave me her phone number\" it's zero."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much fuckin' meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. \"What would you like sir?\" \"A pastrami sandwich.\" \"Anything else?\" \"Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door. It says Do Not Disturb. It's time to go with DON'T disturb. iI's been Do Not for too long.We need to embrace the contraction. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I saw a guy juggling chainsaws. It was cool, but unless something needs to be sawed down, then it's just annoying. It's like, \"Come on, Rick, can we use ONE?\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks, right? But, shit, he could have, like, a beaver in tow. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. \"What candy bar are you getting?\" \"That one \" and every one on the bottom row!\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. \"Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It would have to be real fucking big."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "People think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow, that would suck. An arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. \"Look at that dead guy\" Let's go <b>that</b> way.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see doctor Acula."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, \"Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the \"donate it to charity\" slice. I would like to exchange this for the \"keep it.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know? Refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add \"er.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I get the Reese's candy. If you read that name Reese's, that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "The commercial for Diet Dr Pepper says \"It tastes just like regular Dr Pepper\"\" well then they fucked up. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary\" I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying \"Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You can't have seaweed as a house plant because you'd have to water it way too much. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damn it anyway!"
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would buy a baby naming book\" or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth\" it looks like the fan is saying \"No.\" So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say \"no\" to. \"Do you keep my hair in place?\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same. \"What does a giraffe taste like?\" \"A hippopotamus!\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, \"How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?\" And then he said, \"How many of you people feel like animals?\" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?"
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Now if I was to give a duck bread, I'd give him Pepperidge Farm bread because that shit's fancy. It's wrapped twice. So you open it\" and it still ain't opened. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose! "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there's a guy in there already and say \"Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?\" And he says \"no.\" Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions\" then I say \"Hey man, just simmer for ahw-I mean, sit there.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fuckin' bullshit, man. Because that thing would knock you on your ass."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "There's a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it says \"You can water your hard to reach plants with this product.\" Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! That seems so very mean. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I got a fire alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. \"Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I saw a commercial for an above ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I walked by a spy shop, you know those places that sell surveillance equipment? Every time I walk by a spy shop I think \"I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Dogs are forever in the pushup position."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I was gonna stay overnight at my friends place, he said \"You're gonna have to sleep on the floor."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Alcoholism is a disease. But it's like the only disease you can get yelled at for having. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "When I play the South, they say \"y'all\" in the South. They take out the \"O\" and the \"U\". So when I'm in the South, I try to talk like that, so people understand me. \"Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle\" sp.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I end up at the top of a slide, I have to act like I got there accidentally. \"How'd I get up here, god damnit?! I guess I have to slide down.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "My manager's cool, he gets concerned, he says, \"Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch.\" I can't use liquor as a crutch\" because a crutch <i>helps</i> me walk. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I remixed the remix\" it was back to normal."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Man, remember that movie <i>The Outsiders</i> and one of the guys name was \"Soda Pop\", and at the time it was cool?\" It's not cool right now. Your nickname was \"Soda Pop\"\" you would be dead."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Seahorses are slow. If I was in the ocean, I would not be a gambler on the horse races \" because you would be there fuckin' days. "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said \"Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep, I will tip you over.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "When I'm on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that someone else's floor is wrong. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I'm like \"You're on three? Hahahaha. Dude, I don't think I can ride with you.\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Gel's funny. You wash your hair and then you put gel in it. It's like, it's clean now, let me fuck it back up."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said \"All right, fuck back on.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I ran some Evian water through a filter\" the shit disappeared! It was so fuckin' pure."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "You know that show \"My Three Sons\"? That'd be funny if it was called \"My One Dad\"."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "That would suck if you became a priest and the day came where you had to fight the devil, you'd be like \"Shit, I didn't think that was for real!\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals, she was saying \"he loves me, he loves me not.\" Thank god the flower can't talk, what would it say? \"Fuck that hurts. Fuck that hurts as well. Fuck, leave me alone. I'm no longer pretty\" And he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals!\" "
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I used to live here in Los Angeles, on Sierra Bonita, and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, \"Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing\" it's just flat!\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I fuckin' hate arrows, man. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like, \"Fuck you, I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said \"Where do you see yourself in five years?\" I said \"Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.\""
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. And it says right on the bottle \"Do not have more than two.\" Well then do not put a candy coating around it."
  // },{
  //   author: "Mitch Hedberg",
  //   content: "I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong."
  // }
]
// csv courtesy of Free Web Headers: https://www.freewebheaders.com/full-list-of-bad-words-banned-by-google/
const swears = [
"arse",
"ass",
"ass fuck",
"ass hole",
"assfucker",
"asshole",
"assshole",
"bastard",
"bitch",
"black cock",
"bloody hell",
"boong",
"bullshit",
"cock",
"cockfucker",
"cocksuck",
"cocksucker",
"coon",
"coonnass",
"crap",
"cunt",
"cyberfuck",
"damn",
"damnit",
"darn",
"dick",
"douche",
"dummy",
"erect",
"erection",
"erotic",
"escort",
"fag",
"faggot",
"fuck",
"Fuck off",
"fuck you",
"fucka",
"fuckass",
"fucked",
"fuckhole",
"fuckin",
"fuckin'",
"fucking",
"fucker",
"god",
"god damn",
"gook",
"hard core",
"hardcore",
"hell",
"homoerotic",
"hore",
"lesbian",
"lesbians",
"mother fucker",
"motherfuck",
"motherfucker",
"negro",
"nigger",
"orgasim",
"orgasm",
"penis",
"penisfucker",
"piss",
"piss off",
"porn",
"porno",
"pornography",
"pussy",
"retard",
"sadist",
"sex",
"sexy",
"shit",
"shitty",
"slut",
"son of a bitch",
"tits",
"viagra",
"whore",
"xxx"
]

// set up replacer method
// converts matching word into asterisks
const replacer = match => {
  // create an array based on word size and convert to string with asterisks
  return Array(match.length + 1).join('*')
}

// map over hedberg quotes to censor swears
// this is by no means a perfect censor...
const filtered = hedberg.map(({ content, author }) => {
  // trim off leading and ending white space
  content = content.trim()
  
  // loop through each swear word
  swears.forEach(swear => {
    // create a regex for each swear word
    // use a negative lookahead/lookbehind to prevent switching a substring
    // escaped backslash in string versions of lookahead/lookbehind
    let regex = new RegExp('(?<!\\w)' + swear + '(?!\\w)', 'gi')
    
    // replace all swears
    content = content.replace(regex, replacer)
  })
  
  // return an object with content and author
  return { content, author }
})

// set up random index selection function
const randomQuote = () => Math.floor(Math.random() * filtered.length)

// set up styles
const styles = {
  quoteBox: {
    maxWidth: 600,
    minWidth: 360,
    padding: 30
  },
  img: {
    height: 'auto',
    margin: 0,
    maxWidth: '100%'
  },
  cite: {
    display: 'block',
    fontWeight: 200,
    margin: 40,
    textAlign: 'right'
  },
  actions: {
    display: 'flex',
    justifyContent: 'space-between',
    margin: '50px 40px'
  },
  btn: {
    backgroundColor: '#e68935',
    border: 'none',
    borderRadius: 5,
    color: '#222326',
    outline: 0,
    padding: '10px 15px',
    textDecoration: 'none'
  },
  cred: {
    color: 'rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.29)',
    display: 'block',
    fontSize: 15,
    margin: '50px 40px',
    textAlign: 'right'
  },
  link: {
    color: 'rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.29)'
  }
}

// set up QuoteMachine wrapper
const QuoteMachine = () => (
  <QuoteBox />
)

// set up QuoteBox container
class QuoteBox extends React.Component {
  constructor(props) {
    super(props)
    
    // store quote and author as text
    // use fadeIn as helper for applying fadeIn class
    this.state = {
      fadeIn: false,
      quote: '',
      author: ''
    }
    this.newQuote = this.newQuote.bind(this)
  }

  // after component mounts select a random object from the filtered array
  // probably not best practice to cause a re-render right after mounting...
  // but I felt this is light weight enough not to worry about it 
  componentDidMount = () => {
    let quote = filtered[randomQuote()]
    this.setState(() => ({
      fadeIn: true,
      quote: quote.content,
      author: quote.author
    }))
  }
  // set up method for new quote. Select a random object from the filtered array
  // reset fadeIn
  newQuote = () => {    
    let quote = filtered[randomQuote()]
    this.setState((prevState) => ({
      fadeIn: false,
      quote: prevState.quote === quote.content ? this.newQuote() : quote.content,
      author: quote.author
    }))
  }
  // set up method as helper to add fadeIn class
  addFade = () => {
    this.setState(() => ({ fadeIn: true }))
  }
  render () {
    
    // destructure fadeIn from state
    const { fadeIn } = this.state
    
    // set up empty classes array
    let fadeClasses = []
    
    // check fadeIn
    if (fadeIn) {
      // if true add fadeIn class
      fadeClasses.push('fadeIn')
    } else {
      // in false remove fadeIn class and call addFade()
      fadeClasses = []
      this.addFade()
    }
    
    return (
      <div style={styles.quoteBox} id='quote-box'>
        <img style={styles.img} src="https://goo.gl/pMCQXT" />
        
        {/*
          use fadeIn boolean to reload blockquote which resets the css animation
          used dangerouslySetInnerHTML due to <i> element in hedberg array
        */}
        {fadeIn && <blockquote className={fadeClasses.join(' ')} dangerouslySetInnerHTML={{__html: this.state.quote}} id='text' />}
        
        <cite style={styles.cite} id='author'>- {this.state.author}</cite>
        
        <div style={styles.actions}>
          <a href={encodeURI(`https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?related=freecodecamp&hashtags=quote,mitchhedberg&text=${this.state.quote}`)} style={styles.btn} className='tweet-btn' target='_blank' id='tweet-quote'><i class="fab fa-twitter"></i></a>
          <button style={styles.btn} className='new-btn' onClick={this.newQuote} id='new-quote'>all right, yeah</button>
        </div>
        
        <cite style={styles.cred}>* image credit: <a style={styles.link} href="https://goo.gl/q1KRUp" target='_blank'>Stephen Wayne Piercey</a></cite>
      </div>
    )
  }
}

ReactDOM.render(<QuoteMachine />, document.getElementById('app'))
            
          
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