<dd><dt>note: cant believe i posted this public..</dt></dd>
  As if the title doesnt explain it seriously?

     I kid, but this is serious. OK, so I found a (code)pen it was quite nice with a parallax balloon sketch surrealistic feel, lovely really. And I was not having a good day because I just earned $850k nearly killing myself in the process. A Seed money project for building something(s) more ambitious.

Whilst my partner over a ridiculous misunderstanding, screwed years of my work he cut me out of my bank and left me stranded. cut off. Worse I just made up with him literally made it to AZ against truly all odds. By made up I flew to the mans house and as his birthday coincided I made him his own personal vpn a demonstration of how we could pursue a desired course, 50% of what was left of my starter fee nominal but a gesture and 50% of everything I had. and yeah I covered the dude with playboys from around South America that I nearly died collecting for his ass. Then he goes paranoid weeks later? Basically he screwed us both out of fucking millions, and doesn't realize this even now, and i'm mad.

Mostly at the egregious misunderstanding which is worse than death. i sleep probably every 30+ hours and haven't had a day off in 1.5 years I've not had rent more than 30 days in advance and i'm 2 years from my last chance to see a dentist. dentures in my 30s? only if i'm lucky woo-hoo!

sucks right? so f'd out of my business while trying to sort it out our mutual endeavors the sum of a decade of turbulence but assets credibility banks revenue remote worker accounts everything.

I literally turn $9 and a spoiled fridge(just back from peru another debacle) into nearly a million what do I get? fucked. so now im double fucked anyway ya follow? i know, gibberish right?

ok so back to the fish.

i dont know, i like it i guess...But I still say something smells fishy about the whole deal!

Yes so I made a transparent version of my girlfriends favorite cartoon fish sammy of digital ocean fame the ImageMagick was halfway there, but much tweaking was needed so I thought about mix/background blend mode in css3, perhaps obvious but it only just dawned on me so I resolved to handle this fish in CSS if such a thing could be done, i reckoned it could. i played around with some parallax to give him an adventure, and immerse him and his blendibility in other environments. Thats when I spotted the aforementioned pen of a parallax hot air balloon, replaced it with a manatee, dropped it all underwater and bam! a fantastic fucking fish in the water, oh and there are manatees and shit so i hope you're happy...

i don't even like fish, except sushi which i can no longer afford.

heres the fish again

I live in a goddamn 3rd world country and now I'm the brokest person I know fuck my IQ right? I skipped 2 grades taught myself binary and x86 assembler  phone switches out of a trash can and have founded more corporations than I can remember and always profit, never financed. nearly all exceed a million cash first year day one positive 15-30 pt margins. Does it matter? nope. not today. I was a fucking alter boy, and a boyscout wtf?!? apparently means nothing.

So I don't feel like proper capitalization today. I'm so sick and tired of all of this shit, and people. im just so fucking mad...

Hey Chuck(les), if you are out there you are a total dick and half of that million would have been yours you also tanked our biggest earner ever with a revamp Ive been waiting for for years with code i wrote in 2008!

now I have this retarded project I  built for us  while you were fucking me, getting stolen, christ  now i have to do it again and get robbed again or anyway have fun painting your house because i cant afford paint yeah, at  goddamn Comex! (mexican paint store)

OK heres a new one if you made it this far,i call it "play misty for me" its Sammy sneakin' round in well, murky waters:

I guess its what fish do. I don't really know why.

more to come!


A bit of how this started btw Spring 2014

After barely surviving south america im shunned (nobody took it seriously we were in deep shit there). Thats how we get back to a spoiled fridge penniless.

patched things up with my partner drive back in a rental to build out some projects in my territory, but the rental company lost the car. took a picture even (hey with my luck it makes sense) when i parked and left the keys in the office. rather they said i must have stolen it and it was on his card so he gets called. calls go round but not to me because im in mexico building a series of phone systems and my network was blown out for bit

in the absence of my presence or anybody else's rationality he calls the one person i imagine we both know who actually is a lunatic, pill popper, and yup an actual car thief that I saved from going to prison. Wiring his dumb ass money. He hears i had cash (yes he told an ex employee what my LLC draw was currently) in my pocket and turns vengeful because to non business owners, 4k-6k = $1M so impulsive asshole he is, throws me right under the bus. oh yeah ray PROBABLY stole your car who knows! Yes if you are wondering these are my friends, 2 of my close ones at that. 1 my partner, 1 a lunatic ex employee because we are both fascinated by the craziest of our cast of characters over the years and bruce is goddamn top 3 ever a class act in a no class at all way. and so i go to concerts with him proabably spent a couple g on pink floyd alone.

i go to a lot of shows or i did, and hey i have trouble giving +1's away expensive ones too because i live for it. its one of the things i slave for not a white fence or a minivan, obviously a bit of a loner streak as all owners have an element of. and fuck minivans id rather see keith richards with mick jagger backin him up on harp. honestly thats what its  all been for mostly. Because nobody I know well is listening and I'm under alias, I'll just say it. I've built like 5 or 7 companies I don't even know all of them, they change names but they all like almost all are cash positive day one, most to the tune of maybe 25k to 50k weekly so on track to make a million in year one, every time for me its just solving a puzzle but honestly my biggest motivation to bust my ass the way I do? Rolling Stones Tickets. No joke. You know how many people have had a job or learned a new trade because they were at one point integral to my going to a Stones show? hundreds. It sounds silly but it's true. I even went to England just to catch the end of a tour.

So in running hard sales crews my kind atleast you have a rotating in and out family. You're tight, a squad, but you cant get too close. but its all blurred. somehow brucie has been my go to concert buddy for a long time and its fun to take the suit off and dive in the pit at a social d show in hollywood or wherever another thing he was great for because hes total white trash so my guard vanishes.

anyway i'm blabbering the point is he is a standout but one of many characters. Building sales offices is what I know best, and running sales companies profitable ones, means eventually everyone you know is fucking insane.

Phones down a few days bruce wants to visit, I just moved heaven and earth to take save my partnership and eat I'm about to come out of it with the first project the funding other than my measley current draw that everything is riding on is about to get huge, i'm building offices, writing code definining job rules, building network equipment for an office im staffing with sales and tech guuys in mexico, and I've got ai apps and voice dictation systems answering my virtual pbx a samsung phone i switched a bunch of things on to test later is now in front of me scrolling through the daily news autonomously triggered by auto answering another script... its hectic. And I was curt with poor bruce, a day or so goes by but I had everything under control, and I switched it on like the circuit grid in ghostbusters andnothing happens... shit. i struggled to get the phone up my girl couldn't understand my panic but I remember the look on my own face because it was not a day to be down I felt like I turned white.

She thinks I'm overreacting, I get that. Totally fair, but you can not not be there when you are being talked about period you have to control the narrative or anything can happen. i was franticly racing because i knew somehow. rather it can never surprise me how sideways a series of sewing circles or the game of telephone can go, but doomsday, is when you aren't even there to start the message or have even a shred of influence over how its distorted. its just random. and hurtful because i expected more. I call my partner seeing the missed messages from the past few hours on facebook. after a turbulent decade together after being the one to always push towards being legitimate, being honest whatever the cost, anyway it sank in after a quick call, if trust is that gone that was the one person whose trust i depended on psychologically , spiritually lot of pressure to put on someone who's also fucking nuts  but different and unlike everyone else hes brilliant too and the only person i've ever learned from which is an awesome feeling. Now my brother, accuses me of stealing his car. Then I see Bruces messages he's threatening to somehow get together with my partner continue his tirade. I send him a message to just stop fucking with my life. He doesnt know that 4k isnt shit when im building a dozen companies and the months bills are 6k, he wouldnt believe it if I told him nor anybody else. Some are even offended if I imply how to the wire things are they think it cant possibly be this bad not the ray they know, thus I'm lying, and probably to manipulate them. retarded.

my family doesn't even know what i do, it was down to him and a few guys i keep in touch or have business with mostly social though. but now i'm fucked. life over fucked and to drive it home the past months miracle well the game just got unplugged before i typed my high score initials. like it didn't happen. thats when i collapsed.

Thats how I sent my summer vacation. Rather thats a sort of prelude to it. that was mic check. testing testing, yup, i'm super fucked.


Aug/Sep 2015 note: not 1 month later I'm shocked at the number of views As well I lament that it was after a year of trying to explain this ridiculous position, after the hours a day I ponder how to phrase it in a way people would understand, not least of all my business partner who actually thinks I'm running rogue because my phone system blew out basically a series of mishaps, but part of building. Impressive actually if you knew the circumstance. But this off the cuff nonsensical rant is the best I've come up with, my only public acknowledgement and under an alias... shameful, truly. But by merit of the truth herein, I literally could not find the time not a couple hours to rewrite or just fix the grammar while the views were peaking I've done everything exceptionally well thinking 20 moves ahead a year out, but it was only to survive long enough to straighten things out with the original parties and in that I failed miserably.


Since that time if you care to know, I well, left myself a trail back to capture all these customers and consequently the money they are worth. I left myself many many ways to do this, because im not a complete idiot actually it was the very first thing I did ;). And so when a moron came and said to "do the like seo thing and whatever" again and basically have a full functioning similar operation he would fund the endeavor and give me 3 months to go from zero to hero, I knew that means one month but it took a couple to get it right because he put in $0 and given this sit, I had $0 so it took 2 months. Now I'm refunding orders because there is nobody to fulfill the product because he got bored of waiting (its 1 month early) and 0 budget. 4th of july merchant gave bad code and wordpress broke everything forcing https sure let me fix all that write some gateway software in php, no prob ill talk to the merchant.

actually this sums it up the merchant did not know how to setup their own gateway after the wp updates. so they saw my test transactions going through and just started forwarding my email around to help other customers. weird, but ok. a compliment ive never built a theme or gateway interfaces but i dont have 5k and my partners are mia. i get these flaming emails about problems, wtf i fixed the problem for us and the goddamn merchant you ignorant fucks. i dont like giving half the money but seriously an hour a day of bagging orders and mailing or scheduling fedex and dont fuck anything up i will do all the work. that was my offer. but how can i explain that, im not a successful business guy, im dealing with kids who think im some web designer in the midwest. why? because nobody goddamn listens. How the hell was I a sales manager for a career. I cant convince someone what my goddamn name is. Frustrating ya dig?

Is somebody actualy reading this? If so, i guess thanks. I owe you some production value dont think I dont know the 'fish' doesnt cut it... In time.

So Tweedle Dum returned everything to get some of his money back. And thats great as I spent 3 weeks leading up to it trying to phrase it to a Kindergartner that that damn website is irrelevant they're containerized we can have dozens in an hour. And with that outta the way lets talk about me dropping the 50k of customers because my arms are tired, but thats an impossible discussion. See I controlled the marketing channels for the other site he walked from leaving my money and his own because you see hes gifted, so blessed. Anyway I dont know which partners he is still with and so I cannot actually tell him outright, that the entire thing can be redirected to any site we want. If company A did 56k last month, our new company b can basically count on 56k k this month, and company a will be s.o.l. for fucking me. and this is legal under the circumstances, moreover it should be obvious but this guy can t take a clue im worried hes so dumb he might even try to buff me into ramming through by whatever means, a ton of customers with some tech guy magic, and then assuming thats all im good for just rip off the customers and and tarnish the name ive built over the year for him by the way. And so between that and the fact that i know he brough some people with him i cant for his own best interest let him know what i have but just imply it. the process though is not exactly a physical switch and its really unknown seo territory, but i have everything in kind of a complicated holding pattern. so we drop a couple watch them get ignored, like hes trying to blow out the merchant. I'm the failure though because the day the website was finished it wasnt number 1. Are you serious? Shit that was my nightmare that level of stupidity.

You'd think making all this money for these assholes would give me some credibility some trust, but not a shred. 6 -8 weeks to go from a brand new website to number one on 200 terms and 80k in the bank is no fucking joke, and btw it started immediately after googles penalty for backlinks. Which was so frightening my last talk with my partner was about migrating completely out of SEO. Anyway, I'm balancing the goddamn customers needing to set them down somewhere before I drop them or the other guys notice, and he's too dumb. I did every inch of this business start to finish even cracking my head on the ground as I passed out working so hard x3 times. my desk is a series of tied together boxes beneath overheating chromebooks, this is to prevent me from falling over and breaking something. But hey I've never had it easy, don't know where the beaten path even is, and when I'm trying to turn my life rightside up yeah, every second I don't move forward its like being ok with dying, so yes i kill myself pushing forward. pick those teeth up tie glue and punch them back in, gargle some clorox, wipe the tears and onward...

sounds unbelievable? all of it? I agree. I made over a million dollars and all I got was this dumb bumpersticker !

Should've been 3mil but i started losing servers to hacks building at blitzkrieg pace, then no money, everything. Couldnt afford electricity so dreams bye bye. bad guys win eating dinner with my money right now. Some "catsup" with my dreams good sir? ok... and my hacks to win it back fumbled by an idiot who doesnt want money anymore, thanks for telling me and yeah I'll cover the $1000 electric bill i mean who needs to pay rent anyway. so much for my teeth.

Fuck just that first 50k month and i couldve slept for a week, put 5k away to see The Stones if they come back and play i dont know, sticky fingers cover to f#$%ing cover in an 800 person club 3 hours away from me, that I would gladly die for. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I could go to a dentist, unexpire my passport and fly to AZ to straighten shit out before its too late. But no, and then my hacks fell out because i didnt have $20 bucks for a domain name!

Rewriting hacks is even more of a challenge now, as i dont have an end result place to drop the links and customers and content security policies are changing faster than i can write, my last block wouldve blown up about a week ago. this is a nightmare of a time to have to do this shit. have i mentioned yet im really just a salesman? how did i get here.... ok, so brushing up on a couple cors lines has turned into a goddamn semester in advanced site security. If I can even get in again i have to make sure i wont be caught, if anything is found it has to have some fallback and ill need to have it lead to something insignificant as whoever finds it would expect it to lead somewhere, so some bs pointing to some bs to cover up some real sh## and theres no way around needing injection ability as i dont nec. know what domains and places ill need to point to. so it has to be able to be dormant. more on that on another post, if i live to write it. Under less exraordinary circumstances, this would be quite fun.

And that is precisely why this is how I die. Because all of it is unbelievable. In a third world country. I have a career in the shadows, my own sister hasn't a clue what I do or that I'm any good at it. To say anything that happens in a given day would be met with laughter so I've never bothered. Modesty has a price though I never considered and I should've aired everything but who would rightly believe it? I don't.

What little I dared ask or hope for was that if this was in fact to be the last million i ever lose, that it be by being bested somehow, like an honorable defeat. Not fumbled by an idiot. That it be at least something I can prove. to not die within reach screaming to the world its a cookbook or some such lunatic nonsense. please god or whatever, life, do not let it be that way. In the end I'm back at the beginning like it never happened and I may literally die, or whatever you think is likely homeless on the streets of a 3rd world country . And the whole things is as a bad ending to a movie too fantastic to be believed but you know what really sucks the money was only a means to an end. I largely gave up the startup dreams while spitting up my teeth on christmas eve, all I truly was trying to do was to get back home.

So sorry, dont really feel like making any fish animations today

I call it 1 million smoldering dollars


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