var quotes = ["When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.  -Bob Monkhouse", "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.  -Elayne Boosler", "Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won\’t expect it back.  -Oscar Wilde", "The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.  -Mark Russell", "Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.  -Robert Bloch", "First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.  -Steve Martin", "A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.  -Lana Turner", "How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”  -Anonymous", "My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.  -Dave Barry", "Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.  -Anonymous", "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.  -Miles Kington", "Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?  -Anonymous", "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.  -Douglas Adams", "By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you\’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you\’ll become a philosopher.  -Socrates", "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn\’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.  -Emo Phillips", "The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.  -Anonymous", "Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.  -Greg King ", "The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.  -Al McGuire", "Going to church doesn\’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.  -Billy Sundy", "A bargain is something you don\’t need at a price you can\’t resist. - Franklin Jones", "If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.  -Henny Youngman", "Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.  -Dave Barry", "If you steal from one author, it\’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it\’s research.  -Wilson Mizner", "If you think nobody cares if you\’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.  -Flip Wilson", "How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?  -Anonymous", "God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.  -Ethel Mumford", "A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'  -Claude Pepper", "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.  -Oscar Wilde", "Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.  -Bill McGlasgen", "I couldn\’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.  -Steven Wright", "Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.  -Anonymous", "I intend to live forever. So far, so good.  -Steven Wright"]
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