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              <div class="main-wrap">

  <div class="header">

    <h1 class="noselect">Jack Handey Quote Generator</h1>


  <div class="content">

    <p class="noselect">This toy displays a random <a href="http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/" target="_blank">Jack Handey</a> quote. If the quote is short enough, there is an option to post it to Twitter.</p>

    <div class="generator">

      <div class="button noselect" onclick="getQuote();">New Quote</div>

      <div class="quote-frame">

        <div class="quote-inner"></div>

        <div class="quote-author">- Jack Handey</div>

        <a class="twitter-share-button" target="_blank" href="https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?text=">
Tweet This Quote</a>

      </div> <!-- .quote-frame -->

    </div> <!-- .generator -->

  </div> <!-- .content -->
  <div class="copyright">
    <p>All content &copy; Copyright <a href="http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/" target="_blank">Jack Handey</a> - Content used for educational purposes only.</p>

</div> <!-- .main-wrap -->
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              var quotes = [
  ["When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.", "I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.", "If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).", "I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.", "If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.", "Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:\"Mankind.\" Basically, it's made up of two separate words - \"mank\" and \"ind.\"What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.", "I'd rather be rich than stupid.", "Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.", "The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.", "Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.", "If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, \"Log o' fire! Log o' fire!\" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.", "I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.", "As we were driving, we saw a sign that said \"Watch for Rocks.\" Marta said it should read \"Watch for Pretty Rocks.\" I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!"],
  ["The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.", "I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.", "I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. \"That was fun,\" I said. \"You bet it was,\" said Nick. \"Let's climb higher.\" \"No,\" I said. \"I think we should be heading back now.\" \"We have time,\" Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.", "During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were \"just going down to the corner.", "If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.", "I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. \"You don't have to tell me,\" I said. \"I'm off the team, aren't I?\" \"Well,\" said Coach, \"you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.\" It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.", "I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.", "If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.", "One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. \"Oh, no,\" I said. \"Disneyland burned down.\" He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."],
  ["The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.", "Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man", "I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.", "Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.", "If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, \"Can't you make it shoot farther?\" \"No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.\"", "If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.", "If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose", "Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.", "There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.", "If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.", "Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, \"I love carrots.\" \"Good,\" I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. \"Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!\" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.", "If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus", "If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness", "Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.", "If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, \"I swallowed it. So sue me.\"", "When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil."],
  ["It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the  plains, where some were probably hit by cars", "Instead of having \"answers\" on a math test, they should just call them \"impressions,\" and if you got a different \"impression,\" so what, can't we all be brothers?", "Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?", "He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.", "If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something", "And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.", "It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.", "Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.", "I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.", "I hate it when people say somebody has a \"speech impediment\", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a \"speech improvement\", and I go up to the guy and say, \"Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement.\" I think this makes him feel better.", "It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.", "Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, \"Okay, is everybody ready to start now?\".", "I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, \"Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?\" or \"Do you have that $50 you borrowed?\" Man, quit being so cheap!", "If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.", "Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.", "I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins."],
  ["You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.", "We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.", "Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared", "The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, \"Oh, you mean this?\" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?", "The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.", "If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say", "If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting", "Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.", "I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.", "Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.", "I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.", "Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.", "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the  face", "I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, \"I helped skin Bob.\"", "Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants", "Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.", "I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet."],
  ["In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.", "If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity \"happen.\"", "If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.", "The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. \"Uh-oh,\" he thought. \"This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.\"", "As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.", "Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname \"Fly Head.\" Normally you would think that \"fly Head\" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean \"having a head like a fly\"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.", "Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.", "Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.", "As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!", "If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.", "Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.", "When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.", "Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says \"You.\" After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.", "If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.", "We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.", "I hope if dogs take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.", "Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, \"Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.\""],
  ["Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.", "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is \"God is crying.\" And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is \"Probably because of something you did.\"", "Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, \"You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group.\" \"Yeah,\" I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.", "One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.", "Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...", "Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.", "If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.", "If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.", "I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe.", "I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.", "If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact", "Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up", "I bet when neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, \"Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.\" Then they would get all embarrassed because they remembered they had the big husky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.", "Laurie got offended that I used the word \"puke.\" But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."],
  ["I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like \"Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar.\"", "If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.", "It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.", "If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like \"Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!\" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, \"That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.\" Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.", "When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.", "If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!", "Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.", "He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, \"Dust to dust,\" some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, \"I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.\"", "To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks.", "If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.", "I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut  it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open,  and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person,  because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like  a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.", "What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?", "Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books"],
  ["I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled up tobacco leaves", "I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.", "Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.", "If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much", "It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.", "I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away", "If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.", "When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, \"What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?\" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.", "Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.", "Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.", "If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.", "Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.", "I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.", "When we were growing up, old man jenkins would never fail to come out every morning to nail tadpoles to a wheel, spin it around and around, like a wheel of fortune, and then say, \"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is the winner!\" We all thought he was crazy, but then, we had some growing up to do.", "To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.", "If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.", "Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.", "If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.", "One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse"],
  ["Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.", "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.", "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.", "If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.", "A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. \"Hear that?\" you say. \"That's dynamite, baby.\"", "I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.", "Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said \"Lassie, go skate for help,\" she could do it.", "If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, \"Boy, these are good cigars!", "I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.", "I think there should be something in science called the \"reindeer effect.\" I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, \"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect.\"", "I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, \"Hey, progress.\" Boy, did I have a lot to learn.", "I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, \"What was THAT?!\""],
  ["Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for \"better treatment\"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.", "How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow?  It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak", "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.", "Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.", "Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!", "If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now", "Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it \"dull\" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?", "What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know", "I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. ", "If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.", "Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. ", "A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."],
  ["I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend", "I hope that after I die, people will say of me: \"That guy sure owed me a lot of money.\"", "As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. ", "Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.", "It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.", "Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.", "Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.", "If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.", "I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.", "Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.", "Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.", "If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.", "I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.", "The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called \"Dad.\" We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.", "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."],
  ["Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, \"Think again, bat man.\"", "Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.", "I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.", "As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.", "I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.", "When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.", "I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.", "I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.", "If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.", "If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say, \"How do you figger that!\" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.", "Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the \"Cricket Boy\", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, \"You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else.\" Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.", "I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.", "For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?", "Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?", "To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other", "I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties."]

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